I was asked recently - what did you do to make it through your dad's suicide, and everything that happened as a result of his death? How did Arlo and the Orca fit into it all?
So this is it.
My Dad died in 2009 by suicide.
I didn't do anything for 10 years.
It hurt to think about him, so I didn't.
It hurt to talk about him, so I didn't.
I spent those 10 years raising my boys. Trying to be the best mother I could be but also I became really good at hiding feelings and emotions that were too difficult to address. I put it all into a room in my head and locked the door.
It wasn't until my children were old enough to start asking where my dad - their grandfather was.
I remember the first time Carlo asked where he was. I said he had died. Carlo asked how did he die? I said he wasn't well. Technically not lying but also not the truth.
The questions kept coming and I had no clue how to answer them because I hadn't even found the answers myself over the last 10 years. It made me panic because these questions brought up feelings I hadn't processed.
I had always been a creative person, and I had an idea about writing a children's book. Then I could just read him the book to help him understand. It might even help me to understand, having my feelings on paper.
It wasn't until I voiced this idea - finally spoke up about it that I realized I wasn't alone and there were so many people that knew what I was feeling.
And so, I did things. Finally. I spoke to people about suicide and my book. I found people, and people found me to tell me their stories. I went to new places. Watched a show.
I spoke.
I listened.
I stepped out of the room in my head. I finally allowed myself to unlock the door and face the emotions that came with that.
It was hard. And incredibly sad because at the end of the day, I lost my dad. I lost a future with him. My children lost a future with their grandfather. It felt like all we had was a loss.
I wanted to turn that around and make losing him, my experience, a way to help others going through the same thing. Help the children understand. But also help them speak out so they don't feel like suicide is the only option. What if my Dad had read this book when he was 10?
Had I never spoken out about my book idea or my experience, it would still just be a fleeting thought in my mind and my boys still wouldn't understand why their grandfather isn't here.
So what did I do?
I talked.
It honestly is as simple as that. I talked about my idea. I talked about my Dad. I just talked.
And people listened.
And people helped.
And then I allowed myself to be sad. Properly sad. As losing someone you love makes you really really sad.
And angry.
And overwhelmed.
I just finally let myself feel everything.
And guess what? People helped again.
There is so much love out there but you can't see it until you let yourself open that door and step into it.
So if I could give any advice - if you take anything away from Arlo and the Orca, please speak up.
If you need help, or if you just need to talk, or if you have a brilliant idea and think it's crazy - tell someone you trust.
It won't be easy, but the journey is worth it. The storm will be there, and you will get absolutely soaked, and experience the thunder and the lightning, you might get scared.
But then the sun comes out. It's a great big bright and warm sun. That storm won't feel so bad once you let yourself sail through it.
Sail through the storms, no matter how terrifying they seem.
Allow the sun to come back in.
